Unlike the poor rabble fighting for or against something in the scorching heat, we live real, decent human lives by indulging in iced watermelons in a 1,000sqf air-conditioned apartment this summer. —— Red Patriots

Sorry, dudes. This is just one kind of life designed for any living creature but doesn’t necessarily add up to a human life. While I can’t really think of a species voraciously feeding on iced watermelons, I think it fit to presume that their very existence has been wasted.

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